Recently I have thought about going on a diet, exercising more, etc like everyone else waiting until the last minute. I have been thinking about a workout schedule, meal plans and how I want to look. I realized the more I thought about all of these things the more I stressed out. I kept having anxiety about when I would be able to work out and how I can continue to run my household and how I have hated how badly I have let myself go.
It finally dawned on me that this line of thinking is severely unhealthy. I should want to work out for myself to relieve stress, not create it. After thinking about it in this mindset I realized it’s not my body I need to work out right now, it’s myself. I need to get myself back into a healthy mental state, not a healthy physical state. Once I get my mental health back on track the physical part will come easily.
I have experienced such bad panic attacks that I would not get out of bed and have to call into work sick. I would just lay in bed and cry or sleep. Nothing I did was making me happy. I completely shut down on my family and friends. I did not want to talk to anyone and I just wanted to keep to myself. At work, I had to pretend to be happy and everything was fine when in reality I was breaking inside.
Lately, I have been trying to do little things for myself. Doing things for myself does not come easily to me in all honesty. I always worry about other people and put others before myself. I know I can still do that but I need to put myself first sometimes too, that doesn’t make me a bad person. I’ve started off small; saying NO more, downloaded the Headspace app and most importantly- not checking my work email when I am at home.
I have already felt a difference in my day to day life. I have more patience with my two year old and others. I am less defensive when someone disagrees with me or provides criticism. Cooking is bringing me more joy as it used to instead of stress. I still have my days where I just want to stay in bed all day and wallow.
I have also taken my mental health to the next level by receiving help. I have been seeing a therapist for a few months and I have struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life. Instead of fighting this battle within myself I reached out for help. Some days are easier than others. I finally feel like I am taking control of my life and emotions. I still have a lot of growing to do but I am taking everything day by day.
If you are struggling with mental illness, anxiety or just need to talk you can always send me an email at Tarynbrittanyyy@gmail.com.
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